Took me a long time, but I finally finished I Celebrate Myself: The Somewhat Private Life of Allen Ginsberg by Bill Morgan. I have definitely overloaded on all the Ginsberg, but it was something I needed now… I found beauty in his poetry and interest in his life, especially as I was reading his biography and found a lot of his fears my own, and in that I found some comfort. I know that my fears are in no way unique, and that when it comes down to it there are a lot of differences between Ginsberg and myself — like a lot — but this reading came at the right (and difficult) time.
The biography focuses on Allen’s ego, in particular, the size of it. He had a very large ego, but very little self-esteem, something that sounds strange and conflicting, yet at the same time it’s something that I relate to because it’s the same way I describe myself. He often became romantically interested in men that were inaccessible, not able to break his cycle even later on in life. His obsession with death seems to rival mine, as well. I don’t write as much about it publicly, I think, because I’ve thought about it so much before that when the time comes I’ve over-exhausted the thought. I’m not really sure how morbid I come off as, if I come off as morbid at all, but I do have some strangely positive side that I hope shines through better than the dark stuff. And again, the love for his friends, to the point of being absolutely foolish and a bit naive but dreadfully devoted no matter what… something I find myself struggling with again and again… just going along for the ride to some way be accepted and loved. A Remus Lupin syndrome, as well, if you read Harry Potter and are familiar with the character.
I do need to go on to read other things, otherwise I would feel too absorbed in all of this, but I will find myself coming back to his writings soon, I hope. Still working on his Collected Poems, but I’m interested in reading more of his journals, what ever is available.
In other news, my trip to Europe will be postponed until October. I’m dreaming about being able to spend my actual birthday overseas. Although I wanted a vacation earlier, a trip in the Autumn works out better because I’ll be able to save up more and plan better.
Things I’m listening to lately: The Constantines, in anticipation of their March show at the Mercury Lounge, and the Rural Alberta Advantage’s newest songs (the one’s they’ve posted — unfortunately I don’t have their new album yet and since I can’t get to any of their upcoming shows, looks like I’ll have to wait a while) which you should go listen to right now. I admire their ability to write about the place they’re from, or about the places they’ve been or people they’ve been with with beautiful images that stick in your mind.
I’ve spent the day cleaning the house and attempting to organize my room a bit, getting rid of the stuff I don’t use, and possibly planning a rearranging of furniture. I will be here two years, this March, and I think that it’s time for a new piece of furniture, especially the type that is into organizing things for me. Ikea trip tomorrow, bitches. But mostly, it’s good for my mind that my bedroom is pleasant and is very low on the distraction level. If I really want to keep it simple, I could get rid of all of my belongings, but sadly I am too attached to somethings. Not as much as I used to be, but a significant amount to do some damage if I were to give it all up at once.
My computer is dying a slow death as well, I need to replace it as well. I’ve had it over three years. It’s time. But I really need to replace it soon, as recovering info I have stored onto this thing is going to take time, and soon it won’t be able to handle such a thing.
My dad turned 53 today, Happy Birthday and hugs to him. I really don’t go on much about my parents much, but I really do love them.